The mystery is solved

For anyone who's ever sat and stared at my cat Mrs. Puff and wondered what she might look like in human form, I think I can safely say she might resemble Estelle Harris.

Feelin' All Crafty Inside

Behold, I have come up with my crafty Christmas gift for 2004! After battling the hard-core soap-making new agey types at the supply store this weekend, I have my goodies all lined up and ready for assembly. Consider me the archenemy of dry, unscented skin this holiday season...

Post! Post Like You've Never Posted Before!

The comments capabilities return to the blog! Knock yourselves out...

Home, Glorious Home!

Home at last! Home to grey, soggy skies and my obese chatterbox of a cat. Home to grouchy looking hipsters that stare at the sidewalks when they walk by. Hello art collective! Hello overpriced Vietnamese restaurant! Hi there skanky bar that smells like ass-- yahoo I am home! On top of that, my luggage that was once lost, has been found again and delivered to my door, so life is gooooood.

Six days is a long time to be away. Lovely to visit the homestead and see some old friends and family, but it is good to be back. Trips to Denver always give me a refreshed perspective on my life here, which is always good to have in the middle of the holiday madness when you're stressing and trying to get everything done. I always find myself coming back with a new awareness of my city, my surroundings, my friends here. Last night I just laid in bed and stared at my apartment like I hadn't seen it in a long while, taking everything in. Nice feeling.

Doing Martha Proud

Damn, but I have been a busy little bee! In two days I have swept out a garage, dropped off a carload of stuff at Goodwill, taken apart a rickety bookshelf, cleaned and reorganized a china hutch and even been domestic enough to make something called "Pretzel Surprise Salad" for tomorrow's feast. Phew. My body is aching, but I feel productive and it's been a long time since I've done a good bout of housecleaning here.

On a sidenote, what is with all of the yellow magnetic "Support Our Troops" ribbons I see on everyone's minivans? Are they mandatory when you get your Colorado driver's license or something? I haven't seen so many "Bush/Cheney" bumper stickers or American flags in a long while. I feel a very long way away from home.

On another sidenote to everyone that has asked, NO I AM NOT "PSYCHED" FOR THE CU-NEBRASKA GAME, NOR WILL I WATCH IT ON TV THIS WEEKEND SO PLEASE STOP ASKING ME ABOUT IT.

Oh Good Grief, Mrs. Puff

At Kinko's again and surprisingly there are four other people here at this time of day. Who'dathunk?

Update from my cat-sitter is that Mrs. Puff has GORGED herself in a way that is embarrassing for both of us. So much for self-restraint when presented with a giant bowl of food that was supposed to last for three days. I'm afraid she might well explode given the amount of food that she's shoved in her little furry face. I'm worried and nervous and the fact that all I can think about right now is my CAT makes me feel incredibly cat-lady-ish.

Better sign off to buy about a thousand newspapers to barracade my apartment door with and find some imaginary friend to yell at while I wait for the bus.

Report from the field, almost literally

I'm sitting in a Kinko's near Clement Park in Littleton at the ungodly hour of, let's see, 6:43 in the morning, feeling like some sort of AP writer frantically typing in her story from some exotic location. Do you see all I go through to support you, loyal blog readers? This is devotion, baby. Or obsession.

Anyway. No coffee yet...just dropped my mother off at work and thought I'd check email. The trip home has been quiet and mellow so far, which is fine by me. We have made the obligatory trip to the mall, with zero success, but have yet to make it to the Olive Garden. Everything I own is already saturated with cigarette smoke and the fact that my mother has an enormous bowl of leftover Halloween candy on her coffee table has not helped my fitness kick. Yes, I COULD just choose not to shove one Reese's Peanut Butter Cup after another into my mouth while watching the Food Network at midnight, but then I would hardly be on vacation, right?

Going home to do errands. More later.

Baby's First Blogiversary

What's this? An extreme makeover?

This weekend is the one-year anniversary of my blog (whoo hoo!) and I've decided to reward it with a new look. I'm still working out some of the quirks and formatting issues -- including comment capabilites, which will be returning, I swear. Beth just has to refigure out how to code this thing properly. Until then, drop me an email and let me know whatcha think!

And then as a birthday gift for my loyal readers, I offer the Kevin F. Sherry Sweater Project, which I've seen EVERYWHERE lately and it just doesn't get old, EVER. You may recoil, shriek and cover your eyes, but you will not be able to turn away, I promise. And I think the same can be said for this blog...so thanks for keeping tabs on my online adventures.

Holiday status report

I couldn't possibly be LESS prepared for the holidays. Haven't bought a single gift, haven't baked anything, haven't thought about cute little crafts to make. Zip. Zilch. Progress towards goodwill towards men is nil. I know there's still a month to go, but let's face it, after Thanksgiving it's all one big stressful death spiral/time warp as we head into Christmas. Siiiigh. I have the holiday doldrums I think.

Instead I've been sitting in my house, feeling lump-like, watching bad TV. Except for that Day of Destruction movie...which had me jumping up and down all over my sofa like some crazed Superbowl fan hooting and shouting and high-fiving my cat for two solid hours.

Time Management

Yes, I really DID schedule an emergency hair appointment for last night so that I could have all of tonight wiiiiiide open to watch the second half of Category 6: DAY OF DESTRUCTION.

On a positive note, a woman on my bus complimented me out of the blue this morning on the new 'do. Props to Kristen from Vain who didn't mock me or even snicker when I brought in a picture of Meg Ryan an an example of the haircut I wanted.

Best. Purchase. Ever.

I'm not a regular Costco customer. I'm single and I don't have a car and it's therefore not the world's most practical place to shop. But I found myself there last night wandering among the 400-packs of paper towels and 20-pound bags of lemon pepper seasoning.

And I discovered perhaps the most delightful concoction known to mankind, which is the enormo-sized freezer bag of ready-made hot and spicy buffalo wings. Shall I say that again? IN CAPS? ENORMO-SIZED FREEZER BAG OF READY-MADE HOT AND SPICY BUFFALO WINGS. I felt exactly like Dooce. They were -- in a word -- fabulous. Addicting. Crack like. Crack-esque? 7 microwaved minutes later and I was smacking away on my couch practically purring with happiness.

This does not bode well for any fitted clothing I have (which ain't much, folks), but it's clear I'll be a happy, greasy girl for a long while.

Cookie Kwan Better Watch Out

Reason Number 449 that I love my friend Stacy:

Because I can come back from the bathroom and run into her office and say "Not sure what's up today, but I have total real estate agent hair," and she will say "Wow, you totally do."

Weekend recap

In just a little over 48 hours, this weekend has managed to make me stupider. As in, WAY stupider.

For starters, I nestled in on Saturday night with "13 Going On 30." Now I didn't expect a masterpeice here. I knew what I was getting into. OR DID I. Because this movie was SO BAD I found myself actually wincing throughout almost every minute of it. Clutching a pillow, curled up into a fetal ball type of wincing. I had to fast forward at multiple points in the viewing process because I was embarrassed for the people I was watching. (Hi, Mark Ruffalo, it's me, this is yet ANOTHER seriously crappy movie you've made...it's clear that it's not going to work out between us...) Two hours of my life I will not get back, thank you very much.

And now. NOW. I am actually watching this made for tv movie about killer storms and energy company corruption and finding myself not able to turn away from the horror that IS this movie. Nancy McKeon? And Greg from "Dharma and..." playing a married power company guy sleeping with his PR executive? And Dianne Wiest literally WADDLING around this mock-up of Washington, DC in a boxy jacket from 1984? Who could turn away from this???

Gotta go.

For Future Reference

Beth,

Remember that you live alone. Don't be seduced, or should I say suckered in, by the 5 pound crate of Satsumas, even if you are trying to eat healthier. You'll never get through it and what will be left after just three short days is a smelly, moldy, rotting, fruit-fly covered box in your kitchen.

Cheers,
Beth

Homeland Tour Information

Q: The holidays are upon us -- when does the "2004 Beth In The Homeland" tour kick off?
A: The tour starts next weekend for six full days of homeland goodness, carb consumption and Olive Gardening.

Q: How can I arrange to participate in the Homeland tour?
A: Tickets are available via Xenon Way productions.

Q: What all takes place during the tour?
A: Shopping, eating, drinking, nostalgia, hilarity and the required stopover at Tattered Cover.

Q: Will there be a follow up tour for Christmas?
A: Sadly, probably not. The Christmas tour stops over for a mere 3 days, which will be, let's face it, parentally-focused, and then it's back to the Northwest. You will have to contact Xenon Way productions for information about the grossly-abbreviated Christmas tour.

Ask and I Shall Receive

A number of my faithful readers have been asking me what I'd like for Christmas. I feel a little weird and self indulgent putting a list out here for the world to see, but then again this blog is pretty darned self-indulgent, so I figured why the heck not. If I can ramble on and on publically about my daily life, why not provide a few helpful hints for gift giving?

1.) I knit. I'm not afraid to admit that.
2.) I like products from Stila, Kiehl's and Lush.
3.) I swear seriously that next year will be the year I will become a hardbody. No, seriously.
4.) I could live for a mighty long time on red wine, crusty bread and brie.
5.) If I could have a snuggly giant panda for a roommate, that would be awesome.
6.) The smell of sandlewood and/or patchouli is really, really nice.
7.) The Seattle International Film Festival that comes every spring? Now that's a really great international film festival. I'm just sayin'.
8.) You know what's also great? Nice blank books. Spiral bound. Unlined. With funky-ass covers.
9.) Anyone who could provide me with a brand new wardrobe, a European vacation or a luxury car with a parking space on Capital Hill would definitely be my new best friend.
10.) Anything at all from my sweet friends will be absolutely super duper duper.

No, I really did mean "worldofbeth"

Lesson learned today:

If you are bored and you Google "worldofbeth" in an effort to see what kind of wacky Internet goodness might come up regarding your blog, the first thing that Google will ask is, "Did You Mean worldofdeath?"

Amen, sisters

It is not often that one meets up with a friend for bloody marys and ends up sitting across from The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, but it has been known to happen from time to time.

Simple thrills

Just spent two hours at the biggest, fancy-schmanciest grocery store I have ever seen in my entire life, which recently opened just a mere six blocks or so from my house. My mouth is still open from the experience.

Worth every non-penny I spent

Went to a free screening of the new Bridget Jones movie last night. Can I enthusiastically repeat that it was totally, 100 percent, FREE? Didn't cost me a cent!

As for the actual movie portion, well, can I mention again that it was FREE? That's about all I can say about it. Sure there are amusing parts. Colin Firth is adorable, but he has some of the corniest lines I have ever heard. I actually felt embarrased for him at times. Hugh Grant is very, very naughty and extremely tanned, which distracted me for most of his screen time. The fight scene between the two of them was worth standing in line in the cold for half an hour.

If you can somehow see this movie FOR FREE then it might be worth a few hours of your time. Not much more. Renee has totally plumped up to a bovine-like size six for the part.

Stamp of Approval

Two words: MUPPET STAMPS.

Beginning March 2005.

Survival Kit

To get us all through the next four years, here's a few helpful ideas:

1.) Recipe for M&M cookies. Comfort your pain with warm cookies.
2.) Find a Therapist. Ease your pain by talking it out.
3.) Take a bubble bath. Soak your pain away.
4.) Get your ass to Canada, pronto. Abandon your pain. Forget it ever happened.

Solutions, eh?

Well, in a worst case scenario today, at least Canada's willing to help us out. For everyone (myself included) who's ever said that they will pack up and move to Canada if Bush is re-elected.

Quit reading this blog and vote, dammit!

No place like home

It's been three months in my new apartment and I am feeling great warm waves of fuzziness about my new building and neighborhood because, get this, when I walked out of my building this morning there was an adorable little pumpkin on the step grinning at me with a leftover votive in its tummy. Don't you see? No one had smashed it or peed in it or stolen it or otherwise damaged it, as would have been the case in my old place. That little pumpkin wouldn't have lasted two minutes in the old 'hood.

I also feel compelled to point out that my Sunday New York Times has not been stolen ONCE.

I love this place!