Dear Caregiver Whom I Occassionally Reward With Snuggles:

Are you dense or something? That cheap-ass Safeway-brand cat food SUCKS. I mean, it really really SUCKS and that's coming from an animal that licks his own behind. You seriously couldn't have spent the extra three or four dollars for the Whiskas that I so much prefer? Have I offended you somehow?

Look, I've got my pride. I don't like having to meow and stare up at you pleadingly every single time you go into the kitchen in hope that you'll get the hint and toss out this foul cardboard masquerading as "food." But I've also got my huge hairy orange belly to look after. And sister, it's shrinking up from the crappy food.

I deserve better.

Sincerely,
Thomas the Wonder Cat, AKA Mr. Snuggle Bear, AKA Little Buddy, AKA Schmoopie, AKA Bunny Bun Bun