Flu. Flu bad. Beth Hate Flu.

I swear Saturday morning I was FINE. Totally FINE. And then it hit me like a truckload of bricks. Really angry bricks. And then the sweating started. And then the freezing started. And then I wanted to sleep for four weeks. And then I realized I had the freakin' flu. I was totally incapacitated by 6:30 that night.

I went online to see what I should take for this and how long I was going to be out for....and that's when I saw this new Flu Facts campaign. Look, it was helpful and all finding out the various symptoms of the flu - it confirmed what I had already suspected, but a few questions spring to mind:


Why is the penguin from Happy Feet advertising anti-viral medication? I mean he's snuggly and all, but....What did it do wrong that it couldn't get on a Happy Meal box like every other Disney character in history?

Anyway. I'm better now. Two Nyquil-heavy days of moaning and aching and whining, but I'm better. I'm still confused about the penguins.

Surprise Gift Alert!

God, I love unexpected gifts!

Can I just discuss the surprise birthday/Valentine's Day care package I recently got from an old junior high amiga? Was it the Valentine's Day-themed Peeps that made it so awesome? No. The yummy smelling spa goodies? Eh. Oh don't get me wrong - it was all good...all of it.

But it was the bag of orange plastic-y "circus peanuts" that made my whole day because the minute I opened that bag and smelled that awful, plastic-y, marshmallow smell I was taken back to high school when we drove around eating those things by the bucketload in my classy glitter green Chevette rocking out to EMF's "Unbelieveable" (noting (siiiiigh) that was before that song become known as "Crumbelievable" and featured on cheese commercials).

Ah, nostalgia is good, folks. But having good friends who have stuck with you through the years is even better.

Thanks Slurpee Drinking Circus Peanut Eating Friend!

You Just Know Me So Darned Well

I love that someone notified me today about a recently-discovered 1,000-pound giant squid by saying:

"You know I can't resist sending you stories about giant creatures of the deep."

And YOU know I can't resist reading about them. Seriously. I still can't stop looking at that thing, no matter how much it freaks me out.

Thanks, alert World of Beth reader!

National I'mAOkayByMyselfTine's Day Coming Up, Folks.

It’s heading up on Valentine’s Day this week, or as we in the World of Beth refer to it, I’mAOkayByMyselfTine’s Day. See, it’s not about being bitter and angry and angsty about couples and soul mates and people who have someone to spoon with as they fall asleep at night (hi, there are 364 other days for that). It’s more about being….a-okay with yourself and your single guy/gal life for at least just one day a year.

QuirkyAlone.com even offers a lovely list of activities for us to do this coming Wednesday, which they’ve deemed “International QuirkyAlone Day.” (Harrumph, that’s got nothin’ on being AOkayByYourselfTIne’s Day in my mind, but whatev….)

Ten Ways to Celebrate International Quirkyalone Day

1. Explore a new part of town—be a tourist in your own city.
2. Throw a slumber party. Particularly fun to rent is Dirty Dancing.
3. Rearrange your furniture.
4. Buy yourself new underwear (throw out all the old ones form the 90s.)
5. Be creative alone, doing whatever it is you like to do (write, paint, sew, upholster furniture, surf, make art of out dryer lint).
6. Be creative with friends and/or a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. Have an arts and crafts party or cook a meal together.
7. Buy yourself or a friend a bunch of daisies. Daisies are the official flower of the quirkyalone movement.
8. Volunteer for a cause you believe in.
9. Get cozy in bed with a book. Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics would of course be a good choice--and/or Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke (perhaps the original self-help book for quirkyalones) and/or The Vagabond by Colette and/or The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap by Stephanie Coontz and/or even The Flaneur by Edmund Wilson.
10. Come to or host a quirkyalone party!

Finally, there was this this piece in the Boston Globe a while back about the rising popularity of single folks, as well as an update from Newsweek on the 20-year anniversary of their famous statement that a 40-year-old single woman was "more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than to ever marry.

Get out there and be A Okay By Yourselves, folks!

You are OUT OF CONTROL, Extreme Makeover Home Edition

Tonight "Extreme Makeover Home Edition" took the "Extreme" part way, way, WAY too seriously. Can I just offer a summary from this week's 2-part episode?

• A Marine needs a new home. (Really, this should be enough, but wait...)
• This Marine saved the lives of two police officers on 9/11. (but wait, there's more)
• After saving the lives of these two cops, the Marine just disappeared, and they were unable to ever thank or acknowledge him. (oh MAN...)
• While working on a sculpture for the Marine's house, (a sculpture, incidently of the American flag) a staffer is injured. (the American flag, people)
• The injured staffer is actually British, making it all the more poignant that he's injured while working on the American flag. (i.e., "We are all Americans...")
• The injured staffer is understandably scared and weeps for most of his ride to the hospital, confessing that his wife is pregnant with TRIPLETS. (Jesus, triplets, people)
• While in the hospital, the injured British worker bravely and sternly tells Ty that he has to promise to "finish the flag" for the Marine. (Again, the injured British worker with TRIPLETS on the way that has been injured while carving an AMERICAN FLAG...)
• Back at the work site, Pauly is presented with a set of flags from the local Marine recruiting group to honor the hero. (This actually isn't too extreme, Pauly cries in Every. Single. Episode.)
• A gospel singer sings "God Bless America" while the local police department raises these three flags on this guys' front yard. (Kleenex is being pulled out by the dozen at this point...)
• On the day of the unveiling, the crowd waiting for the family chants "USA! USA! USA!" There are are American flags up the wazoo and Marines march in formation to escort him to his front door. (I....I....just...)
• When the marine gets to see the new house, he WEEPS. (Yes, he weeps. A big, burly stoic Marine loses it and weeps)
• For the big finale, Ty presents a carved foot locker that he built for the Marine which holds the boots this guy wore on September 11 that still have dust on them from the buildings. Ty then points out that the soles of the shoes are melted. From the heat of the rubble. The shoes. That the Marine. Wore. When he anonymously saved the lives of two police officers. On 9/11.....

Seriously, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, it's TOO MUCH this week. You need to step off for a month or so so that I can pull myself together after this one.

What a difference a day makes

As the story I read this morning states, "Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 5,000 to 6,000 years ago, hugging each other."

My first reaction was "AWWWWWWW. That's adorable."

But now, later in the day, I've had time to think (and let the bitterness sink in) and now I'm realizing that apparently EVEN SKELETONS HAVE SOUL MATES AND I DON'T HAVE A SOUL MATE.

t's time to check out Match.com or something before the next headline reads, "Skeleton of single, bitter Seattle woman buried a thousand years ago found surrounded by twenty obese cat skeletons and dozens of bottles of vodka."

The World of Beth Becomes a Character on thirtysomething

So I'm 33 as of yesterday, making me officially "thirtysomething." This makes me think about that awful show from the 80's with the same name. Are we really as old as they seemed on that show? With my rickety self-assembled Ikea furniture it just doesn't seem like I'm able to put myself in the same category as Hope and Michael. They seemed so...adult. She wore pearls for frick's sake.

Ironically for as much complaining and philosophizing as I did leading up to the big 3-0, now that I'm actually in my thirties, I'm feeling pretty young and carefree. Get me, bein' able to eat popsicles for dinner if I want to! Get me, consciously not flossing! I'm on a rampage, world be warned...viva free spirit-edness! Here's to happy hours and twelve dollar manicures and overspending in used book stores!

Anyhoo. I'm babbling.

After celebrating my bid day yesterday over brie, Prosecco, fondue AND an assortment of lovely "pampering"-themed gifts, its time to chill out this weekend and do a bunch of errands....peace out peeps.

Juicy AND Beautiful, that's me...I guess

One of my new year's resolutions was to focus more on pampering and treating my body right, and that seems to be translating to several (not cheap) trips to Sephora and my new favorite spa. So far all I've found out is that pampering is completely, 100 percent addictive and that it's also freakin' expensive, two things that really shouldn't hand in hand if you're a cheapskate like me.

Recently I picked up a little trial size five-pack kit from Juice Beauty, which is all natural and organic and the fact that it was packaged in green apple-colored packaging sold me instantly. I got a wee bit panicky at the fact that my sales gal at Sephora claimed she "absolutely, totally could not live without Juice Beauty's Hydrating Mist." Have I doomed myself by not purchasing a larger size? Will I collapse like a wilted flower on the bus one morning because I lack Hydrating Mist?

Who knew that not being properly pampered was a dangerous business? Here I just thought the worst would be some dry skin and stressed out looking hair.

Posting Secrets

Yeah, I know it's not a big secret, but I forgot just how cool PostSecret is sometimes.

Don't forget they have books to check out too....

One Punk, Under God

Interesting find on the Sundance Channel this weekend - looks like Jay Bakker, son of Jim and Tammy Faye, has his own show about his alterna-church Revolution. I'm not a card carrying member, but I like his approach and the idea behind Revolution:

"To show all people the unconditional love and grace of Jesus without any reservations because of their lifestyle or religious background, past or future. This love has no agenda behind it (I Cor. 13:5). This grace sets no timeline on personal change or standards for spiritual growth (Romans 4:4-5). The idea is to be a part of people’s lives because we truly care for them rather than to fulfill a religious duty; to walk with them through all their struggles as a part of their life, not as a religious outsider."

Seems like a solid answer to the "What Would Jesus Do?" question that too many folks use to shun and punish those who's lives they don't agree with.

I'm just sayin'.

Actually, Kleenex, I prefer to Keep It All Inside

So there I was, flipping through the latest issue of Allure, when I saw this weird ad from Kleenex that featured four very stoic/dead-inside looking people, covered by flaps of paper that opened, revealing alternative pictures of these people as crazed, psychotic, emotional, teary freakshows.

They've come out with this new campaign all around "Let It Out," - which encourages people to stop restraining their emotions and feelings and, well Let It All Out. By weeping openly (and using Kleenex), by getting so angry you barf (and use Kleenex), by laughing until you drool (and, ugh...seek medical counsel?). You get the picture. As a person of Danish ancestry (a group that's not exactly known for its giddy, raucous, emotional outbursts), this concept could not be more foreign to me.

But. Still. Like a good consumer, I trekked on over this morning to Let It Out.com, only to find videos and pictures that Nonstable People have submitted to Kleenex as well as a blog where you can read still more about this weird concept.

First the oval box transformation, now this invitation to abandon social decorum and personal dignity? Kleenex, what's up with you?

Mother Nature Clearly Dropping Acid These Days

You know, like I don't have enough to worry about, Mother Nature throws me a curveball in the form of a prehistoric shark with an eel's body.

Um, if that thing doesn't freak the bejeezus out of you, then you're a brave, hearty soul. I can't even blog about this any more. BLECH.

Apparently the “New Year! New You!” mantra that’s big this time of year doesn’t exactly translate to “New Blog Posts!” from the World of Beth. Okay, okay, I get it. I’m baaaaack! So what has Beth been up to for the past three weeks or so?

Getting snowed in. First two blizzards hit me in Denver, now we’re on our third (or fourth? Fifth?) snowstorm in Seattle of the season. Enough. Seriously.

Reading. Well what the heck else are you supposed to do when you’re snowed in? I’ve plowed through some good books lately, including Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress, Bitter is the New Black, Slammerkin and Tulip Fever. Also spending some time on a preppy Republican sorority girl's Website, which is pretty flippin' funny, despite how much I want to smack her sometimes.

Working on the New Me! In the New Year!. Yes, I’m trying to be healthy this year, like everyone else in the free world. I’ve been walking on my treadmill 4-5 times a week and so far I’ve lost three pounds! Yay! Which I gained back this week somehow. Boo! Snaps and props go out to the kind folks at SparkPeople, though, who sent me a kick-ass pedometer, water bottle and t-shirt. You guys rock!

Shopping online. Again, we’ve been snowed in a lot, lately. In addition to massive book-related purchases, I’ve also found Endless.com, which is Amazon’s shoe department extending into a separate website. The kicker is that they offer FREE overnight shipping. Find shoes. Click and buy shoes. Wear shoes the VERY NEXT DAY.

Being outraged by the movie "Friends With Money." Most. Depressing. Film. EVER. It takes a pretty ridiculous, sad, pointless film to make me hate every actress in it, especially since all of them normally kick ass. Catherine, Jennifer, Joan and Francis, I'm talking to you.

'Tis the season for thank you notes

After looking over my posts from this week I'm starting to realize that I sound awfully cranky and whiny, so here is a sorely inadequate list of thank you's that need to go out for folks who have been warm and fuzzy lately and throughout the year:

• To my friends, who don't give up on me when I get all asocial and need my "special alone time," as well as when I get all yakky and hyper and sassy and biotch-y.
• For anyone who has seen me do my "PR laugh" non-ironically and not vomited a little in their mouth
• To anyone who has been present when I announce, loudly, that I am drunk and has not run screaming in the other direction.
• To red wine, for helping me find the path to announcing that I am drunk.
• For the Shar-Pei dog across the yard at my mom's house, who offers me literally hours of amusement while having my morning coffee.
• For my mom, for buying me Starbucks so that I won't have to drink Folger's as my morning coffee.
• For Mrs. Puff, who teaches me in no uncertain terms the importance of not straying too far from home for too long.
• For my jeans, who so far have not miraculously split in half out of protest.
• For Flexcar and Target and Trader Joes, for being there.
• To pandas, otters, harp seals, polar bears and animals that wear clothes, for being so freakishly, ridiculously CUTE.
• To Brie and French bread, just for being you.
• For the loyal readers of the World of Beth, whoever you are, and for whatever it is that keeps you coming back for more.

If the city of Denver were in a movie, it would be played by The Rock these days

While most cities would be MORE THAN content to have just ONE major, crippling holiday blizzard, Denver is apparently a macho muscle-shirt-wearing city that needs to pull out all the stops and have two. In a ROW. Whatever, Denver.

So Beth is trapped - again - at her mom's for another two days*, because I've had to reschedule my flight until Monday morning when hopefully Denver will get over this macho shit and let the damned sun shine in again. Ahem. Sorry. I'm a little wound up. I've found lots of housecleaning projects to occupy my time and have managed too to find some lovely things to blow my gift cards on online, but this is a bit much.

Clearly one has to be careful with what one asks for when they're sitting at there desk at work thinking "Man, all I want is to be on vacation chilling out at my mom's house with absolutely nothing to do." Lesson learned: Be a little more specific and maybe throw in the words "Maui" or "Hugh Grant" if you get the opportunity.

*Um, Mom, if you're reading this, I don't mean to sound ungrateful and tired of hanging out at your lovely home, it's just two weeks was a bit more than I bargained for and I just want to sleep in my normal bed again. Really, you're a lovely mom. Thanks for making tacos last night and for not being judgemental when I went for that second glass of wine.

Excuse me while I whine a bit here

Look, I'm sorry to be a whiny, pouty, irritable little baby right now, but the weather people are predicting another 12-16 inches of snow in Denver to start tomorrow, which will continue right into Saturday , which is right about the time I'm supposed to leave on a giant jet plane and return home.

Which means, if the city is shut down by another blizzard, I could either be stuck in Denver for another 1-3 days or potentially stuck at the airport, which does not make me happy AT ALL.

Which means. Just. Well. It just means I have to feel like a whiny, pouty, irritiable little baby, I guess. It hasn't even started snowing, so I'm just being prematurely panicky and whiny. I get that. I'm tired. I'm sick of frickin' dial up. I hate smelling like an ashtray and I'm starting to miss my bed and my obese cat and my stuff and my life and the thought of being stuck away from it for another 3 days just seems a little overwhelming.

Seriously, Denver, TWO blizzards in a two-week period that coincide with Christmas holiday travel? WTF, Denver? You're on my list, pal. Watch it.

Adventures in Sprawlsville, or How Beth Almost Smacked Someone in the Middle of Kohl's

Ah, suburbia. I've always had a serious love/hate thing going on with the 'burbs and I knew that the decision to spend 12 days smack in the middle of 'em would test the love part big time. Being homebound with nothing to do but (literally) watch it snow for three days sure hasn't helped much.

However, on the positive side, I've started to get out and see the world outside of the beige neighborhoods of Southwest Denver. So far this included a Christmas Eve brunch at Bump and Grind, which is apparently best known for its "Petticoat Bruncheon," which involves a waitstaff composed entirely of drag queens. Honey, nothing makes Beth happier than to be served coffee by a sassy, foul-mouthed drag queen while listening to Britney Spears ON CHRISTMAS EVE. Oh wait, unless it involves getting presents and custom-made CDs and seeing old friends and it DID. I was giddy all morning after that, especially as I drove home listening to "Barenaked for the Holidays" (a holiday album from the Barenaked Ladies, natch) on full blast.

Today Beth and her mom ventured out to see the retail offerings the 'burbs had to offer us, wherein Beth attempted to spend her gift cards IMMEDIATELY and, of course, absolutely nothing even remotely decent was to be found in the stores because Beth had actual money to spend. Sigh. We went into Kohl's to look for cheap Christmas flare at 50 percent off and I was so outraged by the snotty teenage girls that I actually got up in one's face and said "Seriously?" all intense and scary/snarky-like. God knows if she had so much as looked at me directly I would have turned and run right back to my mommy and hid. Still, I felt tough. At least as tough as one can feel in a Kohl's in Littleton on the day after Christmas with their mom.

More reports from Sprawlsville to come....

Homebound: Day 3

Sweet baby Jesus there's a lot of snow here in Colorado! I have amusing pictures to post of just how bad it is, but forgot my camera cord, so y'all will have to stay tuned until after the new year when I get back home to Seattle.

I'm pleased to report that Beth made it home safe and sound just three scant hours before Blizaard 2006 whapped the city upsite the head with a can of Whup Ass. So far it's been two straight days of sitting in front of the TV watching 9News and eating giant M&M cookies from Safeway.We're on to day 3 now and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going a wee bit stir crazy. I've read a book, cleaned and reorganized my mom's kitchen pantry, chatted with the dead bartender in the ballroom, and packed up a carload of things to take to Goodwill once the roads are clear. Let's GO, Department of Transportation, I'm getting BOOOORRRRRED, here.

More to post, perhaps if I ever get out of the house, but just wanted to throw out a quick holla to my peeps and let them know I'm alive. Bored, but alive. Stay tuned!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

In the spirit of offering hope and goodwill for the new year, I'd like to mention the Backwards Bush Countdown Site so that we can all watch as the seconds tick down to a Dubya-free White House. Shop, download a screen saver or even add the countdown to your blog as yours truly has already done.

Pour yourself a cup of organic holiday cheer, take out the recycling, renew your subscriptions to the Utne Reader and Mother Jones and Bust and other liberal-lefty magazines, and watch the numbers tick down. There. Doesn't that feel better?

If you're still not convinced, here are some more reasons to love the site and its products:

• Wearing one around your neck helps to keep Republicans away and smells much better than garlic.
• Purchasing a BackwardsBush keychain instantly qualifies you for "Enemy Combatant" status.
• Now that Bush has his judges on the bench, the keychains will most likely soon be illegal (and therefore a collector's item).
• Unlike Bush, our keychain has a 100% approval rating.
• You might as well spend your money on a keychain now, because if social security gets privatized, you won't have any money left!!!
• If you're reading this, the NSA is most likely already spying on you, so you might as well make it worth it!!!
• Backwards Bush proudly supports Save the Children.

A SparkPeople Shoutout

It would be downright un-American of me not to want to start the new year off with the resolution to be healthier and more active in 2007, so I’m passing along this little gem of a Website onto my loyal readers in case they’re wanting to do the same.

SparkPeople is free (cheapskates rejoice!) and is one of the comprehensive and legit diet/fitness sites out there from what I can tell. Plus it offers up customized weekly meal plans, grocery lists, exercise plans and more goal charting resources than I can get my head around. Plus, a Best Of The Web award from BusinessWeek ain't bad either.