Sunday, May 05, 2013

80 Degrees & Seattle's Happy

We're easy to please in Seattle; all it takes is some simple daylight and warmth and we're positively giddy. Like, take your woolen socks off and wear your Birkenstocks with bare feet kind of giddy. Its sunny! It's the best!

Franklin has re-discovered the patio, after six months of cold and wet, and absolutely loves it. I repotted a plant this morning and he went right to hoovering up the potting soil and wagging his tail and smiling at me like, "Warm outside is the BEST!"

I bring up the BEST because as I fell asleep last night I started making a list in my head of Things That Are The Best. As in, things that never get old or tiresome - things that are reliably awesome every single time, things you enjoy down to the very bottom of your toes. So far, I've come up with (in no order):

1.) Franklin
2.) That first cup of coffee in the morning
3.) Maui
4.) Snorkeling
5.) Stouffer's frozen lasagne
6.) Enchiladas
7.) London
8.) Losing weight
9.) Making out like a sloppy nervous teenager
10.) That feeling when your whole house is clean
11.) Laying in the sun and feeling your skin get warm
12.) Walking barefoot in the grass
13.) Fresh clean sheets
14.) Holding your hand against a cat while they purr
15.) Naps
16.) Massages
17.) No alarm clocks
18.) The color between blue and purple (blurple?), or maybe turquoise and lavender (lavenquoise?)
19.) The smell of Playdoh
20.) Those monkeys in Japan that hang out in hot springs in the winter ("hot tub monkeys")

What's on your list?

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Blogs are hard.

Okay, so you guys? Blogging is, like, REALLY HARD. Coming up with topics and regular content is, like, SUPER HARD, and this is coming from someone that used to be responsible for putting together blog topics for actual, legitimate, professional businesses.

"They" say to write what you know, These days I'm enjoying a year-long self-imposed sabbatical from work. I suppose I can share a few tidbits that I learned in my first five months of free time:

1.) Naps are awesome. We knew this one all along, really, but come on. Naps rule big time. I pretty much take one every single day, and that's in addition to sleeping through the night. Love them.

2.) Old people at the grocery store are kind of the worst. Come on now, I'm not saying YOUR grandma is the worst. I'm just saying that every time someone in front of me at Trader Joe's writes a check for their groceries, a tiny part of me dies inside.

3.) Seattle is VERY SERIOUS about leaf blowing. Dude, we leaf blow the BEJEEZUS out of this town. My apartment building alone has two guys that come every Thursday and blow leaves around the parking lot for at least four hours. The Taco Time down the street leaf blows for two solid hours every single morning. Most of you are at work during the day so you don't experience this. Lucky. Bastards.

4.) The audience members on Ellen are Batshit Crazy. I kind of heart Ellen; she's good peeps. Her audience members are another thing. Dude, they are CRAYZEE. When she comes out at the beginning of the show? It's like Oprah's Everybody Gets a Car!-level of enthusiasm every single day. When Ellen starts to work her dance moves, people all but tear up and pull their hair out. Cray. Zee.

Finishing a list of five things is also hard. After a few months of not working and generally chilling out, I have the attention span and schedule of a retired person. Which is, essentially, who I spend most of my time with these days. I don't like the crowds that show up on the weekends at my bank and Target and how fast they all drive. Which isn't bad (unless I start writing checks at Trader Joe's).

Friday, January 04, 2013

Catfish, or Are You People For Real?

Recently over Christmas I discovered a show on MTV called "Catfish." I hadn't heard of this previously because I'm in my late thirties and break out in a rash whenever my remote gets too close to MTV programming.

But I gave it a whirl, and MAN was it worth it. For those unawares, it goes like this: These two guys, Nev and Max, get pitched from people all over the country who are in online relationships and feel there MIGHT BE something sketchy about the person they're involved with and they MIGHT NOT BE who they say they are.

In many cases these people meet each other on Facebook or in chat rooms, etc. and have been involved in online relationships for several months, or several years, and in one case TEN WHOLE YEARS, and have never met the person they're involved with. Some have never had so much as a phone call with their virtual significant other. The relationships seem to consist of lots of Facebook time and texting "I luv you babe" and "ur so hot" to another person and calling that person a soul mate, when, in all probability that other person could be a robot or a serial killer or a pre-op transexual or a jealous girlfriend or a horny senior citizen in Guatemala.

Which is where Nev and Max come in. These two guys are seriously the sweetest souls on the earth. The fact that never once have they bitched slapped these gullible saps a la Cher in Moonstruck ("SNAP OUT OF IT!") speaks volumes. They are sympathetic and genuinely seem to want to help these suckers find out who exactly they've been involved with.

Nev and Max use a highly propietary, extremely technical detective program known as "Google" to do their research. This is perhaps what makes me craziest about Catfish. If you've been in an online "relationship" with someone for TEN YEARS and you've never once Googled them, that might be a red flag. For both of you. Just sayin'. I've Googled salespeople at Nordstrom that sell me eyeliner and you haven't Googled your soul mate?

Ten times out of ten it turns out that the person in question is not who or what they claimed to be in the relationship. Again, Nev and Max are the kindest, gentlest people in the world about this. They are always respectful when they try and coordinate an in-person meeting between the two people.  They don't use the Stupid Voice like I would, nor do they glance knowingly at the camera la Jim Halpert from The Office.

Just once I want Nev and Max to lose their shit and go off on these gullible souls. They don't give them so much as a pitying, "bless your heart" hand squeeze. Even when they're in their hotel rooms using The Google to conduct their Secret Detective Work, they never snicker and condescend about the complete lack of common sense these crazy-ass people have.

And that's really what keeps me watching the show. To watch that bit of human kindness among such massive, massive, MASSIVE gullibility.

Keep on trolling for catfish, Nev and Max. Godspeed.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Happy 2013, blogosphere. I see we have quite a crowd of folks lined up outside to re-enter the World of Beth - many of whom have camped overnight and have tears streaming down their faces at the thought of hearing my random thoughts and stories. Wait no more, universe! I am back! Huzzah!

Why return now, many of you might ask? Well, it's the start of the new year and time to implement some resolutions. Plus, I'm unemployed and when else will I have this much time to share stories about my chiweenie Franklin?

The main reason, though, is the thousands of emails and letters and phone calls and texts and faxes I received from all over the world, from people just like you, begging me to re-start the blog. Okay, that's maybe not so true.

Actually (and this really is true) my therapist said to me recently, "Have you ever thought about writing a book?" And something clicked in my head - because when your THERAPIST, the licensed medical professional you share all your super crazy talk with, tells you that you have some good material for a book, you can't walk away from that. "I think you'd be really good at it," she said....and all I could do was wonder what I had just blabbered on about that hour that made her think "YOU CANNOT BE MAKING THIS STUFF UP; SOMEONE NEEDS TO WRITE THIS SHIT DOWN."

So really, I'm just carrying out my civic responsibility to share the crazy stuff that happens to me. Enjoy!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Well, hey there, blogosphere

Long time, no see, universe. How's it going? It's been three years since I visited the World of Beth blog.You look good. Your hair has changed, no?

Today I revisited several of the blogs I used to follow religiously and WHOA. Things had been shaken up significantly. These people that I've never met - never interacted with - they had changed. Evolved. Some had gotten divorced; some had had children; some had written books. I felt like I was getting back in touch with old friends. It was nice to hear what they had been up to - hearing their old familiar voices and issues and catching up since 2003 when I "met" a lot of these virtual friends. Seeing pictures of what they looked like now and where they had been on vacation.

I like the voyueristic nature of blogs. That you're essentially reading someone else's diary. Their "Web log." Their journal of the daily minutea and workaday issues that stress them out and make them giddy and sad and crafty and alive. I haven't blogged in three years and its mind-boggling to think about how that word has evolved since then. Everyone has a blog. Every celebrity, politician, reporter, high school student and divorced mom has a blog. It's cool. It's hideous. It' we communicate now.  We don't tell people how we feel anymore - we blog about it.

Facebook replaced the blog for a while. Not sure if this will last or what I'll cover in this space. Figured it was worth revisiting. Anyhoo, we'll see how this journey goes.

What's new with YOU?