Beth: Careless Lush or Visionary Trend Setter?

As loyal readers of the World of Beth can attest, I’m a huge fan of Drunk Shopping. I luvs me some drunk shopping. What can I say? Some people run marathons, or play with their kids/soulmates or remodel their lakefront summer homes to relax. Me? I slug back a few oversized glasses of cheap pinot noir and then hit the local Barnes and Noble for some tawdry self-help books.

Just recently someone passed me an AWESOME article in the Los Angeles Times about Drunk Shopping, which officially makes me some sort of tipsy, financially irresponsible visionary as I’ve been doing this for well over a decade before these newbies ever hit the InterWeb. Kids? Back in MY DAY we had to get drunk over cheap well drinks during Happy Hour and then WALK to an old school “brick and mortar” store and then stumble through that store precariously carrying your drunken purchases, potentially tripping and falling smack on your face in the process. Not to say that I’ve ever done that. Oh wait, yes I have. Several times, actually.*

There’s even a book on this topic – methinks I have found my next potential Drunk Purchase. God only know what could happen when Drunk Beth stumbles across the UK ChickLit section of Amazon.co.uk.

* Faceplants and near-faceplants have occurred at bookstores including: City Light Books (San Francisco), Barnes and Noble (Bellevue, Wash.), Half Price Books (Seattle), and Chapters (Vancouver).

Jake Gyllenhaal Knew What He Was Talkin' Bout

Dammit, Payless ShoeSource.

I thought it was over between us. I went without you for a long time. We're no good for each other, Payless ShoeSource, I know that as much as you do. Face it, you're cheap and poorly constructed and when I walk around with you for too long, my feet reek to high heaven from pleather held together with stitches made by a Third World 8-year-old factory worker.

And yet, there you were, on a sunny Saturday in downtown San Francisco while I was wandering aimlessly. Whispering to me. Luring me in while you looked all cute with your shelves packed with ballet flats. And suddenly I was back in your arms and all was right with the world.

I'm not proud of our reunion. Okay, I'm a little smug about my $18 silver ballet flats and $15 black patent leather Mary Janes. They are cute as hell and I admit you can satisfy me in ways that Zappos and Endless and Nordstrom just can't. Why must you continue to tempt me and keep this blasted love affair alive, Payless ShoeSource?

I wish I could quit you, Payless ShoeSource.

Eat my nail dust, Carmela Soprano

Sigh. Well, I went and got some fake nails yesterday. A "full set" as they call them. Given to me by a teensy tiny Vietnamese woman who had teensy tiny little hands. I felt like I had actual gigantic paws while she was holding my hand.

Anyhoo. I have mixed feelings about the nails. Look, they're tasteful. Really. They are. But still I feel a little Carmela Soprano meets Harvey Fierstein-esque. I have now become one of those women who needs to "get their nails done." On the flip side, that's why I wanted them to begin with. I liked the idea of getting more manicures and spending more time taking care of myself. Having these things make that a necessity. I wanted to be a little more girlie and princessy and somehow, as I passed the nail shop, it seemed this might be the best way to do that. Engh, we'll see.

On a related note, may I share how much joy it gave me when I asked two distinctly different people where I could find "a makeup organizer" and both of them instantly said, "Wait, you mean like a Caboodle?"

Yes, if you're interested, they still make and sell Caboodles and they are still fabulous. Just very odd to hear the word "Caboodle" said twice in one day.

I gotta go organize my Caboodle and tease my hair while I work on my Jersey accent.

My new roommate, Matt

There's a new BFF in the World of Beth, or, more specifically, the Apartment of Beth - which involves a floofy white smooshable new queen-sized pillowtop mattress from Sears.com. I LUUUURRVE it.

It is ginormous and high and fluffy and delicious and it makes me feel like a princess when I am sleeping on it. I have decided to name it Matt, which allows me to carry on my fantasty of someday actually sleeping with someone other than Mrs. Puff. Matt doesn't give me a backache like my old 10-year-old ghetto mattress did.

Matt and I are going to be alright. Our future will be bright, I feel it.

Juicy AND Beautiful, that's me...I guess

One of my new year's resolutions was to focus more on pampering and treating my body right, and that seems to be translating to several (not cheap) trips to Sephora and my new favorite spa. So far all I've found out is that pampering is completely, 100 percent addictive and that it's also freakin' expensive, two things that really shouldn't hand in hand if you're a cheapskate like me.

Recently I picked up a little trial size five-pack kit from Juice Beauty, which is all natural and organic and the fact that it was packaged in green apple-colored packaging sold me instantly. I got a wee bit panicky at the fact that my sales gal at Sephora claimed she "absolutely, totally could not live without Juice Beauty's Hydrating Mist." Have I doomed myself by not purchasing a larger size? Will I collapse like a wilted flower on the bus one morning because I lack Hydrating Mist?

Who knew that not being properly pampered was a dangerous business? Here I just thought the worst would be some dry skin and stressed out looking hair.

The trip to the ninth circle of hell (Bellevue Square) was worth it in the end

Beth is feeling smug today. Last night, Beth went shopping. Shop, Beth, Shop! Beth found lots of nice professional clothes to wear to work. Because every piece of clothing she bought was 50 percent off, plus an additional 40 percent, (dude, I know!) Beth ended up saving a ridonculous amount of money, while still coming away with a schnazzy navy blue velvet blazer from Ralph Lauren in the process. Save, Beth, Save!

Now Beth’s feeling both well-dressed AND financially savvy. And smug. Very smug. Gloat, Beth, Gloat!

Introducing...Tready!

The World of Beth introduced a new family member into her home last week - Tready the Treadmill! Tready lives in my living room and enjoys it when I take him for walks. So far I'm trying to go for 30-minute walks with Tready every day, but sometimes Tready kicks my ass and makes me feel like a 98-year-old woman after I'm done with him. I've learned I need to tread lightly with Tready or else I will hurt the next morning. He's spiteful like that.

Yes folks, it's the end of the year and that means Beth is ramping up for new year's resolutions - in this case it's "Shape Up In 2007," my committment to not being Fatty McFatterson at this time next year. Going for daily walks seemed like a good first step - hence the adoption of Tready.

Even Mrs. Puff seems to enjoy Tready, or rather she seems not too be terrified with it, which I take to be a good sign. Perhaps I could even get her furry fat bottom onto Tready and we could walk together? Bring it on, 2007, this girl's ready.

If Rocky Balboa can go to battle in his sixties, then surely I can commit to a brisk walk in the evenings, right? Right? (Desperate whimper) Right?

A Conversation With Daiso

Beth: Thanks very much for joining me today, Daiso. All too often I write open letters to random things but today the idea occurred to me to interview them instead. Especially when these random things are as FREAKIN' FABULOUS as you are, Daiso.

Daiso: It's my pleasure. Nice to be here. Please stop touching me.

Beth: Oh, sorry. I'm excited. You were really, really cool. Anyway. Recently I paid you a visit at the Alderwood Mall....

Daiso: Yes, I remember you. Saturday night, right?

Beth: Omigod, that's right! You saw me? You remembered me? (blushing) Wow, that's so cool. I really enjoyed meeting you, Daiso. I admit I wasn't sure what to expect, but you were so much cooler than I could have imagined.

Daiso: (squirming uncomfortably) Yes, I get that a lot. Could you sit a little farther away from me?

Beth: But Daiso, you're dreamy. You're like a Japanese dollar store, isn't that right? (Daiso nods). But you're more than that. Of course you are. I mean, an American dollar store wouldn't sell packages of tissues with sleeping kittens on them, would it? God, all American dollar stores sell are dented cans of soup and Nag Champa incense and discontinued household cleaners. They're not like you, Daiso. They're not all kitschy and cute and cool and authentic and awesome.

Daiso: You're very kind. I do feature an extensive selection of Japanese ceramics such as teapots and sake pitchers, chopsticks, snacks, household cleaners, decorations, stationary and tupperware-like items all for around $1.50 each. Some items are as high as $3.00, but most are in that $1.50 range.

Beth (sighing): You were fabulous, Daiso. Seriously.

Daiso: I have to go now. I'm very crowded and you're creeping me out.

Beth: I'm going to tell all my readers about you, Daiso. I want them to know how much I love you so that they can love you too. Please don't go. I want to look at more rice paddles with bunny rabbits on them and miso soup bowls with tiny fitting lids. I want more of you, Daiso!

Daiso: Again, I'm flattered. But I'm a chain store in Alderwood Mall. It would never work out between us. Please, just visit me occassionally.

Beth: Oh I will, Daiso. I will. I hope to see you very soon.

Daiso: You're a strange woman.

Beth: Yes, I get that a lot.

Beth's Holiday Shopping Guide 2006

Several of you have been hounding the World of Beth and asking what I’d like for Christmas. That’s cool. I like that. I’ve been doing the same thing to ya’ll right back, I guess. A helpful guide for your holiday Beth-centered shopping:

Good ideas:
Movie gift cards, especially for Landmark theaters
An unusual “something-of-the-month” club subscription
Kitchenware and home decor items from Anthropologie
Funky jewelry or home-related items from Urban Outfitters
Gift certificate for a class or workshop in any of the following topics: cooking/wine, painting, photography, yoga, creative writing
A really nice coffee mug
Houseplants
A pamphlet of your favorite recipes that you and your family enjoy often
A cool new journal from Ex Libris Anonymous
Yarn of YOUR choosing for me to make a toasty scarf for you in return

Less-than-good ideas:
Reptiles
Tapestry-covered luggage
Flavored coffees or coffee creamers
Ceramic animals and/or angels and/or patriotic-or religious-themed figurines
Fleece clothing
Antifreeze
Sweatshirts/T-shirts with kittens, wolves, hummingbirds or sports teams on them
Anything at all with a cat or kitten on it.

The Best Dollar Store EVAH. Maybe?

It's came to my attention a while back that waaaay up North in Lynnwood's Alderwood Mall there's a dollar store known as Daiso. Since I've not been to check this out in person yet, I'm curious what all is involved here.

Has anyone been yet? Is it full of the adorable Japanese trinkets and unusual foodstuffs that my creative brain is imagining? Or is it more like our American dollar stores, with their sad shower caps and chipped angel figurines?

Amy Sedaris, I like you.

I will say this for Martha Stewart – never once in her many books on hospitality and housekeeping does she feature a poster of herself covered in frosting and sprinkles. Nor does she advise on what to prepare for when, say, a lumberjack comes to dinner. And I’m fairly certain Martha’s never included a guide to giving oneself a proper breast exam in the same chapter that she mentions taxidermied squirrels and homemade lemon frosting.

Leave it to her new book that I recently picked up at Barnes and Noble. Now I can be domestic AND get my freak on. Thanks, Amy Sedaris!

Beware of Squrrels Holding Cupcakes

In further proof that my hipster street cred has all but diminished entirely, I’ve only recently discovered the joy of cupcakes. Now you may be scratching your heads thinking that the cupcake “trend” has been going on for about a year or so (clearly you’ve all been talking about it while collectively watching Law and Order without me this whole time…), but I never really got into it. I’m not anti-cupcake, mind you, but I wasn’t passionately PRO-cupcake, either. I just didn’t understand what the big dealio was.

It wasn’t until a weekend trip to Ballard took me Cupcake Royale that I got what everyone has been so twitterpated over this whole time. Adorable little carrot cake cupcakes with cream cheese frosting? It was practically love at first sight. Plus, the fact that the store’s mascot was a squirrel holding up a cupcake for Cupcake Harvest Festival meant I was all but powerless to refuse its charms. Try them. You’ll liiiiiike them.

A few questions for Frozen Burritos

1.) Frozen burritos, why do you taste so frickin’ amazing?
2.) Why are you so satisfying and so easy to prepare?
3.) Frozen burritos, do you have any idea how much I adore you?
4.) Frozen burritos, can you explain to me how a little spicy pocket from heaven such as yourself can have so much fat and sodium tucked inside of you? Where do you hide it, my friend?
5.) Really, frozen burrito? 370 calories? You are so small and tasty. I love you so much. Are you trying to break my heart?
6.) Frozen burritos, our relationship cannot last. I know this. I have pants I must fit into. Why must you taunt me from my grocer’s freezer aisle, calling to me like the sirens to Odysseus?
7.) Again I ask, frozen burrito, how and why must you pack so much deliciousness into your 5-ounce self?

(Not Quite 15 Pieces of) Patio Flare

Who’s got a full-blown case of patio flare? Why, Beth does, that’s who!

I write to you, World at Large, as the proud owner of a now fully decked-out deck complete with two lounge chairs, window baskets, lovely flowers and herbs and even a little lavender plant to put on my side table for added aromatherapeutic patio flare. I braved Home Depot with the rest of the Sunday suburban sprawling Seattleites (i.e., the sworn enemy of any hipster urbanite worth their salt) and picked up enough charming goodies in the garden department to keep me happy for the rest of the summer. It even took a platform cart/palate jack type of contraption for me to wheel all my flare to the Flexcar.

Siiiiiigh. Did my previous post about retail therapy teach me nothing? Clearly not, because again, I’ve proven to myself how DELICIOUS it feels to go out and buy things. Retail Therapy, again I ask, can’t you learn anything from your cousin Alcoholic Black Out and make me forget how fantastic you make me feel?

Retail Therapy’s Downside

Damn you, Retail Therapy, why can’t you be like your older brother Co-Dependent Relationships, who never has anything good to offer?

You know what the problem with Retail Therapy is? It works. It works SO WELL. You go out, you buy things, you bring them home, you play with them. And you feel GOOD. They make you happier. They fulfill you. They make your problems seem so less troubling. Plus you end up with neat stuff, which is nice.

This is all backed by a ginormous purchase made at Half Price Books this afternoon – including several movies (Crash, Royal Tenenbaums, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the TV series “Undeclared” and more) and several books (Joan Didion essays, John Irving, humorous travel essays and more….). I got my two jam-packed bags home and practically rolled around in all of my new possessions.

I love you, Retail Therapy. You are truly the best EVER.

On the Subject of Drunk Shopping

It’s recently come to my attention that there are folks out there that don’t yet know about the wonders of Drunk Shopping, which is something that ranks fairly high in my Top Five Activities I Enjoy list. So, under the theory that if you give a man a fish….something something….but if you teach a man to get drunk and then go shopping for fish, he’ll come home with a lot more than he bargained for.

It’s really not that hard of a concept – everyone knows about drunk dialing, right? This is not that far removed. With drunk dialing, one makes the decision to “reconnect” with old friends/one-night-stands free from the constraints of restraining orders/dignity that cloud your normally sober mind. With drunk shopping – one makes the decision to, well, buy whatever the hell they want to at that very moment, free from the limitations of your décor/credit limit/dignity. In either case you are completely convinced that your decision is COMPLETELY RATIONAL AND SANE, whether it be regarding a purple ottoman or that ex that done you wrong. Go ahead – buy it! Call him up! You’re drunk – it’s all good!

In both cases, unfortunately you’ll likely be disappointed the morning after. At least with drunk shopping you might have a cute sweater or a pony or a flat-panel TV to enjoy the next day while you recover.

(*In the interest of full disclosure, I felt compelled to share that Drunk Beth’s favorite haunts for Drunk Shopping include the self-help/relationships section of any used book store, and her local Whole Foods store.)

New Family Member

I am bursting at the seams with joy. Proud to announced the latest family member into Beth’s life.

It’s shiny.

It’s pink.

It’s my new iPod mini.

I love it so unbearably much. I promise to feed it and water it and play with it and take it for walks and name it George.